I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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