A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
