My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
