Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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