1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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