apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize