Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
