I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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