Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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