All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
