So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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