Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
