We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
