Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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