even my farts smell like vagina
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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