well I can't set my house on fire every night
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
