Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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