fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
