he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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