I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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