So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
