I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
