Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize