Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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