when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
