What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
