"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
