Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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