Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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