____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
