So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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