Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You ruined the universe
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
