Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Less talking, more tequila
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
