1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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