I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
