Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
