I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
