shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
