You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
