I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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