I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
