i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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