dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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