Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
