need another drink. this is the easiest way
Buhtt sex?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
