my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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