I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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