The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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