The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it glows. i had to have it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
