They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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