Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
