would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
