was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
