i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
