bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
