We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
