I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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