i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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