If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
