we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
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