omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
